Rose said to me in the car, “I didn’t tell you mum because you’re so judgy” My heart fell. I felt the tears well. How could I have become the person I never wanted to be.
Oh the gift that God could give us, to see ourselves as others see us.Robert Burns
We don’t see ourselves as others see us. Sometimes peoples beliefs about who we are, are based on tiny snippets of our lives. The person I may have served on one of my bad days, or while rushing to get out the door to pick up the kids from school.
The people, who have seen but a snippet of my life, opinion on who I am is not truely valid. Rose’s observation is a valid one. Being my child she has spent years, day in and day out with me.
I’ve tried so hard to be mindful in my parenting practices but still I will hear myself repeating words and phrases to my children I swore I’d never say as a child.
It can be hard to look into the mirror via my childrens eyes. There are things there I do not like. Things I do not want to own.
I come from a family that is generationally dysfunctional due to alcohol. My parents model of parenting came from their parents, who in turn got their model of parenting from theirs. When the only model of parenting you have had, has been not ideal you struggle to break the mould and forge something better.
It’s only once I become aware of what I’m doing, that I can change that behaviour, as painful as it can be, to face my failings, it can also be liberating and an opportunity to be a better person.
Ode to a Louse
Ha! Where are you going, you crawling wonder?
Your impudence protects you sorely,
I can not say but you swagger rarely
Over gauze and lace,
Though faith! I fear you dine but sparingly
On such a place
You ugly, creeping, blasted wonder,
Detested, shunned by saint and sinner,
How dare you set your foot upon her -
Such fine a lady!
Go somewhere else and seek your dinner
On some poor body
Off! in some beggar's temples squat:
There you may creep, and sprawl, and scramble,
With other kindred, jumping cattle,
In shoals and nations;
Where horn nor bone never dare unsettle
Your thick plantations
Now hold you there! you are out of sight,
Below the falderals, snug and tight;
No, faith you yet! you will not be right,
Until you have got on it ---
The very topmost, towering height
Of misses bonnet.
My sooth! right bold you set your nose out,
As plump and gray as any gooseberry:
O for some rank, mercurial resin,
Or deadly, red powder,
I would give you such a hearty dose of it,
Would dress your breech!
I would not have been surprised to spy
You on an old wife's flannel cap:
Or maybe some small ragged boy,
On his undervest;
But Miss's fine balloon bonnet! fye!
How dare you do it.
O Jenny do not toss your head,
And set your beauties all abroad!
You little know what cursed speed
The blastie's making!
Those winks and finger-ends, I dread,
Are notice takiing!
O would some Power the gift to give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion:
What airs in dress and gait would leave us,
And even devotion!
- Robert Burns