mental health, selfcare, Uncategorized, wellness

Drawing a line, setting intention and accountability

I kept it off over 5 years…

It’s time to make a commitment to myself. A commitment to be healthy. To be active. To live my best life.

Ten years on 8.10.21

My weight has always been an indicator of my mental health. When my mental health spirals down, my weight spirals up.

Any crisis in my life has seen me just give up on caring for myself.

My first triathlon. I came second.

I stop doing things that bring me joy. It’s as if I no longer think I’m worthy of self care.

My first half marathon, here in Clare.

I loved exercising. I loved running. I’d get up before 6am each morning to get my run in. My running made me happy. It started my day on a high. It was how I would work out the daily troubles.

I swore back then, I’d never be obese again.

I won swimming medals

I got back in the pool and joined the local swim club. I joined the kids up too and we swam as a family. I started coaching and then got my Austswim qualifications. I qualified as a Lifeguard and was so proud of myself.

But then…

Life went a little crazy. There was a fire, family health issues, I developed asthma and someone stood in the pool one day and told me I was crap, while a crowd of people stood around. I mentally broke that day. I believed him. I was crap. I was worthless. I didn’t deserve to have a wonderful life. It was the start of the spiral down. It was the straw that broke me.

A few months later this happened….

The start of Knit Spin Weave

The insurance company paid us out for the fire and Peter gave me half of the payout. I needed something to get me out of bed each day. I wasn’t in a good place. I was doing CBT and on medication. The shop was born of my need to get well again. To get back into the world and out from under the doona

Year one

My weight began to climb. My running and exercise ceased . I was more and more sedentary and I really didn’t care. I ignored my cervical screening, my breast screening, my bowel screening and every other self care routine. I was eating whole packets of Tim tams to myself and hiding food again. A death wish. I really didn’t care. I was getting up each morning now to run the shop but I still didn’t make any effort to look after myself.

It was day in day out. One foot in front of the other. I came off medication and stopped counselling but I still wasn’t well. Nor did I feel I deserved to be. I still believed what my dad and that man in the pool told me that day. I was useless, I couldn’t do anything right. I was a quitter. I hated myself and the more my weight grew the more I hated myself. I was trapped in my head still, selfishly not seeing how my family needed me.

And then COVID-19

Then I had a huge company ‘forget’ they hadn’t invoiced me for shipping to the tune of $13,000au and they had lawyers. Followed by a pandemic. My depression and anxiety deepened again. People I thought were friends walked away and I spiralled.

And it was probably the best thing to happen. We don’t bounce back up until we’ve hit the bottom.

Betsy and I

I bought Betsy and started taking adventures. I spent time to myself. I spent time with my family. I went to the doctors and asked for help.

And now I’m stepping up to look after myself again.

My goals are not numbers on a scale, I can not control. My goals are actions, behavior changes. Things I do have control over.

My commitment is this post. My journey and reward is to inspire just one other person to start taking care of themselves too.

So Day 1 of week 1 of year 1 is here. Behaviour changes I can do right this minute.

  • Drink water
  • Walk 20 mins daily
  • Eat more fruits and vegetables
  • Wear my Apple Watch and increase my movement

That’s it, that’s what I’m aiming to do this week. Things I can control.

I will see you in a week and tell you how well I did!

3 thoughts on “Drawing a line, setting intention and accountability”

  1. Love this Tracy, and I’m right there with you. I keep talking about looking after my health and then time slip by because I’m “too busy”. This is very inspiring to me! ❤️

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    1. You are brave! You’ve done it once, so can walk in the same steps again to get to where you were. I’ve never told you, but you were an inspiration for me to start my weight loss journey too.

      Running wasn’t my thing, but I did enjoy walking in the evening with my dogs. Sun and I aren’t friends, unless I want to get burned to a crisp. People think I’m exaggerating if I tell them how quickly I burn, but I’m not. I swear if I stayed outside long enough on a full moon, I’d get moonburnt. 🌕

      I got a bicycle and began riding in the evenings too. I loved that even more, and it shook the exercise routine up a little. I gave away and donated the clothes I no longer fit into and replaced my wardrobe, vowing to not need my original clothes again.

      Then I needed carpal tunnel surgery in my left hand. Healing internally for that wasn’t pleasant. It felt like prickles inside, which took years to resolve. It made riding my bike unpleasant with that hand. Alongside that was the people who made riding unpleasant my shouting out rude comments across a double carriageway road directed at me. Or the motorist who slowed right down next to me who scared me with rude noises, as I hadn’t been aware of them slowing. And the motorists who yelled out nasty stuff one day when I was out riding with my daughter that no ten year old should hear. I tried to not let that stop me, but it did.

      Falling over a wooden pallet that an unthinking shop owner left out the front of their store and breaking my back, almost three years to the day (October 13, 2018) has really put the brakes on things. Doing lots of things makes me hurt, so I don’t do what I know hurts me. I’m also scared of falling again and what further damage I could do. I was fortunate that the fracture wasn’t displaced, so I didn’t lose lower body mobility, but if I could rewind I wouldn’t even be going to that store. The owner has since given up on her small business and gone back to a paid job. I’m left taking the not so addictive pain medication to get by each day.

      Liked by 1 person

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