It’s time to make a commitment to myself. A commitment to be healthy. To be active. To live my best life.
My weight has always been an indicator of my mental health. When my mental health spirals down, my weight spirals up.
Any crisis in my life has seen me just give up on caring for myself.
I stop doing things that bring me joy. It’s as if I no longer think I’m worthy of self care.
I loved exercising. I loved running. I’d get up before 6am each morning to get my run in. My running made me happy. It started my day on a high. It was how I would work out the daily troubles.
I swore back then, I’d never be obese again.
I got back in the pool and joined the local swim club. I joined the kids up too and we swam as a family. I started coaching and then got my Austswim qualifications. I qualified as a Lifeguard and was so proud of myself.
Life went a little crazy. There was a fire, family health issues, I developed asthma and someone stood in the pool one day and told me I was crap, while a crowd of people stood around. I mentally broke that day. I believed him. I was crap. I was worthless. I didn’t deserve to have a wonderful life. It was the start of the spiral down. It was the straw that broke me.
A few months later this happened….
The insurance company paid us out for the fire and Peter gave me half of the payout. I needed something to get me out of bed each day. I wasn’t in a good place. I was doing CBT and on medication. The shop was born of my need to get well again. To get back into the world and out from under the doona
My weight began to climb. My running and exercise ceased . I was more and more sedentary and I really didn’t care. I ignored my cervical screening, my breast screening, my bowel screening and every other self care routine. I was eating whole packets of Tim tams to myself and hiding food again. A death wish. I really didn’t care. I was getting up each morning now to run the shop but I still didn’t make any effort to look after myself.
It was day in day out. One foot in front of the other. I came off medication and stopped counselling but I still wasn’t well. Nor did I feel I deserved to be. I still believed what my dad and that man in the pool told me that day. I was useless, I couldn’t do anything right. I was a quitter. I hated myself and the more my weight grew the more I hated myself. I was trapped in my head still, selfishly not seeing how my family needed me.
Then I had a huge company ‘forget’ they hadn’t invoiced me for shipping to the tune of $13,000au and they had lawyers. Followed by a pandemic. My depression and anxiety deepened again. People I thought were friends walked away and I spiralled.
And it was probably the best thing to happen. We don’t bounce back up until we’ve hit the bottom.
I bought Betsy and started taking adventures. I spent time to myself. I spent time with my family. I went to the doctors and asked for help.
And now I’m stepping up to look after myself again.
My goals are not numbers on a scale, I can not control. My goals are actions, behavior changes. Things I do have control over.
My commitment is this post. My journey and reward is to inspire just one other person to start taking care of themselves too.
So Day 1 of week 1 of year 1 is here. Behaviour changes I can do right this minute.
- Drink water
- Walk 20 mins daily
- Eat more fruits and vegetables
- Wear my Apple Watch and increase my movement
That’s it, that’s what I’m aiming to do this week. Things I can control.
I will see you in a week and tell you how well I did!