It’s the end of 2019. We are heading to Pirie and seeing in the New Year with family and watching the fireworks.
The end of the year and the beginning of a new year is a time when I start thinking about what I have achieved and what I want to achieve. Reflecting on the past year and dreaming of the future. For many setting the goal is easy enough, it’s the following through that is the issue! And for those of us battling the ‘black dog’ it can be hard just to find a goal that excites us.
And that is where I am at the end of 2019. It’s been a pretty tough year. I’m sure there have been many highlights but right now I can’t remember what they are. That’s the difference with depression over anxiety. With anxiety you can still set the goal, you stress about it, over think it but you can at least have a goal. With depression nothing seems to be worth it, nothing excites you. It’s black because there is nothing to look forward to. You know you have to get out of bed each day and get to work but there is no bounce in the step. You know you need to smile and say the right things but inside you just want to be under the covers sleeping and have the world just go away. Even when you have a mental health plan, it’s just too hard to dig it out and follow it. There’s no will to try to get better.
If this is you too, know I feel like this also. The total irrationality of it all, doesn’t make it go away. For me it’s just another stick to beat myself with. I can see from the outside it looks like my life is pretty damn good. kids, husband, home ownership and a yarn shop. That I should be happy! Wow there are people who’ve lost their homes out there and here I am wallowing in the pit, not appreciating the wonderful things I have. Wow I must be the most ungrateful B*(&% ever. These are the things that run in my head. I know the things I am grateful for but still the weight of depression will not go. It frustrates me and angers me that I feel like this. I do not write this for self-pity or sympathy I write this to give others an understanding of how it feels to be locked in to this mental battle.
I am not at the point where I would self harm, although that is always a step away from many. My kids, Peter and the shop keep me here and give me enough guilt not to leave and reason to get out from under the covers.
No goals for me for 2020, just a wish that this coming year is a better one and a promise to myself to get some help and stop feeling so crap.
If you need help please reach out:
- Life Line Australia 13 11 14
- Beyond Blue
- Or visit your local GP
I can get better and so can you. I have got better before and will do again. My depression is mild compared to others and the pain others are in. We aren’t weak, we are the strong ones because we live with this and still get up each morning.